Truth is always stranger then fiction.

death is but a door...it swings both ways.

I like the insanity but stop the stupidity!

Those that say nothings imposable never tried to slam a revolving door.

order is for the stupid true geniuses live in chaos.

death is for those with nothing better to do.

in the end the world as we know it doesn’t exist.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those that don't.

Never knock on Deaths door: ring the doorbell and run away! He really hates that!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!

When life gives you lemons, give them back and DEMAND CHOCOLATE.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand cash.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

LOOK MA, NO BRAIN!

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!"

Death is a way of God telling you not to be a wise guy.

If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Don't play dumb with me, I'll always win.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door...

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When you’re right, no one remembers, when you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.

They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!

3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

A day without sunshine, is like, night.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

BAD COP! NO DONUT!

Confucius say: "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot!"

Corduroy Pillows: they’re making headlines!

Do not play leap frog with a unicorn.

Elvis has left the planet.

Florida: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks.

I have the Body of a god...Buddha...

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious!

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail… but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying “damn…that was fun”

333 I’m only half evil

Don’t take live too seriously. It isn’t permanent

I don’t have a drinking problem I get drunk I pass out no problem.

Yesterday is another country, Borders are now closed.

I don’t play dumb, I always lose.

Nutter then a fruitcake.

Right now I've got amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

When choosing between two evils I always like to go for the one I've never tried before.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Be kind to your offspring. They get to choose your nursing home.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Cancer cures smoking.

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? - Depends.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bet I can stop gambling.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

Vegetarians taste better.

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

Elvis shot JFK.

So many people...so few comets.

Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

Pride is what we have. Pity is what others have.

Sex is like pizza, when it's bad it's still kinda good.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

Spandex: A privilege, not a right.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is.

Caution: I know karate...and six other Chinese words.

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Never visit a doctor who can't keep her office plants alive.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Follow your dream! (Unless it's the one where you're at work only wearing underwear during a fire drill.)

Forecast for tonight: dark.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.

If marriage was outlawed only outlaws would have in-laws.

If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.

Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.

If your nose runs and your feet smell you were probably built upside down.

"Auntie Em: Hate you; hate Kansas, taking the dog." - Dorothy

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday.

Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I'm not broke I'm just having an out of money experience.

My inferiority complex is not nearly as good as yours.

Ignoring bullshit is wrong, bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful.

If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good

Quantum Mechanics: the stuff dreams are made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?

If you choke a Smurf what color does it turn'?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing him/her again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo

If you're going to do something wrong, have fun doing it.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

A true friend stabs you in the front

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and jump off it.

You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

To some, death may be a blessing, to others, a vice. Me? I think death is a necessity.

There are a few ways to silence the screams. Bullets happen to be one of the more efficent methods.

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes
42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head. Pass it on.

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?


"My doctor says I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and I am therefore excused from saving universes." (Ford Prefect)

"There are no AA meetings in Ireland, because if there's a meeting there, it's always at the bar." (Lewis Black)

"She's realized the real problem with stories--if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death." (Neil Gaiman)

"Do not meddle in the affairs of slashers, for you are cute and go well with other men." (A pin that I have on my backpack)

You know perfectly well what the rules are and you've erased them all and written up new ones.
You live life right on the edge - maybe even over it - but with you and your friends you don't fall off.

"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees."

Heaven didn't want me and Hell thinks I'll take over."

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how in seven hells you did it."

'I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.'

"I am not crazy! U know what! The voices don't like u anymore!"

Something I said to my mom in argument:
"Stop being a smart ass!" -mom
"Would you rather me be a dumbass!" -me

'Brotherly love' my father called it. I called it 'Unsuccessful murder'

It's been a good while since I've killed anyone. I kinda miss it... (grins evilly) Wanna watch?" -Edward Elric

"My imaginary friend thinks that you have serious metal problems."

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more." -Oscar Wilde

"Life is too important to take seriously." -Oscar Wilde

"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" -WillRogers

"You can't have everything... where would you put it?" -StevenWright

"When life gives you lemons, tell people they grant wishes, and sell for a profit."-Aaron Riker

"Shakespeare frowns on your emo poetry."-Unknown

"The time has come to decide between what is right and what is easy."-Professor Albus Dumbledore

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."-Eleanor Roosevelt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."-Jeff Valdez

"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."-Aesop

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."-Japanese proverb

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun on both sides."-David Viscott

"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends."-Professor Albus Dumbledore

"Leave your intelligence at the door, come be stupid"- Travis Willingham(voice of Roy Mustang)

"My boyfriend senses are tingling!! I must run randomly that way!!"(The Sue AlchemistEdward Elric Writen by Element Girls)

"Life sucks. and then you die"- Jacob Black

Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole

Evil is live spelled backwards

When all else fails, read the instructions

What some people lack in intelligence, they make up in stupidity

There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head

The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of an oncoming train

A watched pot never boils, unless you light the gas under it

If your parents don't have kids, odds are you won't either

Curiosity kills more mice than cats

On the other hand, you have different fingers

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

A decent pen: $2.99Package of lined paper: $0.99Knowing you have homework and "forgetting" about it: Priceless

I'm on a mission to save the world (I can't believe they trusted me with this).

Mirror, mirror on the wall, what the @$#% happened!!!

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 12%?

Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone

They call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken

Work for god………the retirement benefits are great

The world needs messy people; otherwise the neat people would take over

Remember my face; I might need an alibi later

Dear Dorothy,Hate Ozz, took the shoes,Find your own way home.Toto

I took an IQ test……….the results were negative

Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

Few women admit their age, few men act it

Chocolate: Catnip for the feminine world

I'm not paranoid, just terribly, terribly alert....

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door